


"Dear Jill", a CHRIStmas Letter

by nimrod262



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: BSAA NAB, Chris POV, Christmas Letter, Country Song, F/M, Gary Allan, Inspired by Theosymphany’s ‘Tendrils of the past’., Post-Break Up, Pre Re6, Pre-Edonia, Psychological Evaluation, Self-Reflection, Strong Language, letter writing, ‘Pieces' video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 23:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17068841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimrod262/pseuds/nimrod262
Summary: Chris Redfield is a military man, he prefers actions to words. Sometimes it's easier to write things than to say them, so Chris pens a Christmas letter to Jill.This work is gifted to fellow Nivanfield writer here on AO3, and good friend, Theosymphany.  Merry Christmas Theo!





	"Dear Jill", a CHRIStmas Letter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theosymphany](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theosymphany/gifts).



> This is a follow-up to my 'Smoke Rings In The Dark', and to Theosymphany's 'Tendrils of the past'. It forms the third part of the trilogy. Thanks for the inspiration Theo! I've also drawn on another Gary Allan song, 'Pieces' which I think is very fitting. (Video at the end) And finally may I take this opportunity to wish all my followers and fellow Nivanfield fans a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy 2019. nimrod.

**“Dear Jill”, a CHRIStmas letter**

 

 

BSAA, Williamsport PA  
December 22nd, 2012

Dear Jill...Oh, can I say 'Dear' now? Damn! I can't even get the intro right. How 'bout I just say Hi?

Hi Jill,

Ha! Surprise! I know, me writing a letter, me writing! Some people think I can barely read let alone write. That I just sign things with a X. And this pen seems so tiny in my fingers. It feels like some kid's toy, flimsy and breakable. Does some company make big pens? Sorry, I'm already going off-point. Crap, this is harder than I expected. I thought I had it all set out in my head. Now all those thoughts are jumbled, blurred. Ok, well perhaps I can tell you what this isn't first. It's not a love letter, like between lovers. It's not a begging letter, like I want you back kinda' thing. I know I have to respect your decision to move on. And it's not angry, or sad. I'm over that, big dumb fingers crossed. So I suppose that makes it happy then, in a way. And it's thoughtful. Um, is that the right word? I mean it's telling you my thoughts. It's a 'Hi Jill' letter, between ~~old~~  good friends, yes?

Me and Alpha are on standby, waiting for the call, it'll probably come in the next few days. So it seemed a good time to let you know how I'm getting on. I miss our chats and the banter. I still miss you, although I know I shouldn't. You've got your own star to follow now. I'm trying to follow one too, Alpha, of course. And I'm trying to focus on the present, the people I'm with. We're slotted for operations in Europe, some little country called Edonia tearing itself apart. I never heard of it before; had to look it up. The European branch has been handling things up to now, but someone over there's decided to play rough, started using BOWs. Not mass outbreaks, more tactical, using BOWs as shock and awe. Europe has asked for our help because of the NAB's previous experience. But from what I can gather it's generally more a conventional style of combat that's going on. They don't usually last long. My guess is I'll be back in a couple of weeks. Ha! You probably know more than me now you're working for Dee. Anyway, that's my plans for Christmas. What are you doing? It will be strange not meeting up, still I gotta' get out of that rut huh?

I thought perhaps you'd like to know what I've been up to ~~since~~ ~~we~~  since you moved to D.C. Then you can reply and let me know how you're doing. Kinda' like pen pals. Do people still have those, or is it all electronic these days? I don't do all that texting shit. Damn buttons are too small for my big thumbs. They come with the big dumb fingers. Ha!

Well, anyway, here goes. I'll try and write it in order. First, after we  ~~broke up~~  parted I kinda' let things slip for a while. I just let everyone else deal with stuff. I thought if the Captain Chris Redfield persona wasn't involved, people would have to step-up themselves you know? Like you said I was a hostage to this image thing, so I thought the easiest thing to do was switch it, him, off. Uh-oh, BIG mistake. Half of 'em couldn't think for themselves when it came to it, and the other half thought I was ill, you know, like whacko ill! I even left it to Nivans to run Alpha, that's how switched off I was! (Of course, he did a great job, like he always does - but no one else did. And I still haven't met the newbie Macauley yet!) Anyway, somehow Dee got to hear of it. I dunno' if it was through my stats, or some snitch, but out of the blue, he calls me up and suggests it's time for my periodic psycho-evaluation. My what? I've never had one before. He says, "It's only a suggestion Christopher, you don't have to do it dear boy, but it would _please_ me." Like I had a choice then? I guessed it was because I'd taken my eye off the ball, and that he knew about that.

By the way, what I'm about to tell you is all Director's Eyes Only, but I know I can trust you. Even so, watch out for him Jill. Don't get me wrong, he's the best Director the BSAA has ever had, but there's a ruthless streak underneath that smooth exterior. It's what we need to win in this global war, and Dee will do whatever it takes to achieve that. Feelings and friendship won't matter if they stand in his way and I don't want to see you hurt in the process, Ok? Oh, and don't think I'm telling tales behind his back. He and I have had some tremendous arguments, he knows how I feel. But we have some kind of bond, I don't know what exactly, so he takes things from me he wouldn't take from any one else, except perhaps Mike Lugano, his ADC. But you said you wanted a career, so best not to try to take him on yourself just yet. If you gotta' beef with him, run it past me first Jill. I'm always here for you kiddo, remember that. Talking of Mike, have you met him yet? He's a great guy, ex-marine, a bit like me. If you want a drinking partner in Washington, he's your man! You'll find him in JJ's Bar most Friday nights if he's not looking after Dee. I don't mean he's a drunk, he just likes a drink, er, to wind down. Like we ~~do~~  did.

Uh, Ok, enough about Mike and Dee. I'm meant to be telling you MY news. So, I had this evaluation, about two weeks ago now, with this anonymous shrink called 'Tangent' or something. Did you have one? He seemed to know all about you, but he wouldn't give me a straight answer when I asked him outright. Said there was a team doing stuff all the time. First I've heard of it if there is. But afterwards I thought Jill will have all her ducks in a row, so my guess is you didn't have one. Not like me. And for a while, after you'd left, I gradually got worse. I spent that first night drowning my sorrows in a smoky bar with Piers Nivans. I did most of the talking, and the drinking! He just sat and listened, the occasional Yes or No, lots of Captains! Christ, why can't he call me Chris for a change! And when I eventually fell over he picked me up and somehow got me back to my room. The next morning was the first of several I didn't show up to work. Tangent said that was self-pity, after loss. I said I was just trying to forget. He said it amounted to the same thing. I bet you didn't get pissed-up though.

Anyway, this guy Tangent eventually got me talking despite myself. He was a smart little asshole! I told him I felt like shit, stressed out. Of course he spouts all the usual psychobabble. It was my past, my parents, yada-yada! But he did say some interesting stuff too. How I really am emotionally driven...could'a fooled me, I thought I was some kinda' robot. How I prefer to hurt at the time so it doesn't hurt later. I didn't understand it all, but he seemed to think it made sense. He said I associated love with providing, trying to look after all of someone's (ie, yours & Claires) problems. How that seemed right to me but not necessarily you. How you weren't my problem, that I shouldn't act for you, that you were your own person. Well, I'm sorry, I see that now. We were stuck in that rut. I was smothering you, holding you back, not letting you be yourself. I didn't mean to Jill, I swear. I just thought if I could shoulder all the responsibilities, you'd turn back to the woman I knew before. Redfield fucks up again! Ha! Story of my life.

To be fair to the guy, he didn't just tell me all the things I was doing wrong. He told me what I needed to do to get through it and come out the other side smiling...well, not glaring so much. See, I am trying! He said I gotta' talk more (Crap!). Focus on the present, not the past, bond with the people I'm with. Live a little. Not sure what that last one meant I think that was his euphemism for, er, thingy. Oh, and I shouldn't take on everyone's burdens. Like, be sympathetic; but help them to solve things themselves, not actually do it for them, cause that only fuelled my own expectations. I think that meant the Captain Chris Redfield guy. And I had to be more spontaneous in my personal relationships. React to the now, not worry about the later or the what ifs. He said that way I might find love! I asked how would I know and he said if I was in any doubt, I was to ask you, cause you want me to move on too. Ha, ha! I knew you had the smarts, I think I've always known that.

But I've got my own theories too. It's to do with pieces, er, like bits. That night ~~we finished~~...I left...I thought my heart was in pieces, like my life. That's why I went of the rails, self-pity. That's what Piers had to deal with, picking up the pieces of his Captain, _the Captain_...that Captain Redfield guy. But now I've calmed down, had the chat with the shrink, had time to think; I believe I wasn't far of the mark to begin with. My heart, me I suppose, is made of pieces. My parents, Claire, the USAF, STARS, the BSAA, you. Those are the good parts. There's bad parts too, lots! Losing Ma and Pa, authority issues, Raccoon City, Wesker. All the good people lost. Sweet innocent Richard Aiken, ever cheerful Kirk Mathison, the bubbly Merah Biji, spunky Dave Johnson. They all took from me, but I took from them too, little pieces of affection, emotion. All those people and things made me what I ~~am~~  was. We've all been burned by the fire, but now I'm realizing that what tries to break you also makes you grow. I'm learning that now. I'm not gonna' deny my past, but I'm gonna have a clear-out. All the useless baggage, those pieces that don't fit any more. If I don't need them, they can go. Clear away the ~~cobwebs~~...Oh, sorry, you don't like spiders do you?...um, wipe of the dust, let the daylight in.

I'm gonna' try and cut loose from the past. Get rid of some of the demons, cut myself some slack . Don't know if it'll work, but it's a plan. Perhaps this way I'll find that someone special, like Tangent said I would, be more open to life and living.

So the next person I fall in love with is gonna get the whole deal you know? Not just pieces. Camping out and hiking in the woods. Eating marshmallows roasted over a log fire. Fly-fishing lessons and making out in the back row at the movies. Plus great sex of course! Ha, ha, ha! Whaddya' think? Is that getting out of that rut?

Anyway, I'll get Edonia out of the way and in the New Year there's gonna' be a new start, a new Chris Redfield. And not just for me, but for the BSAA NAB too. I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm gonna' quit fronting up the SOU's. I think it's time for me to hand the reigns over to some fresh blood. I think Piers Nivans, and some other youngsters like him, have to take up the mantle. He's the future of the BSAA, I'm convinced of that. Anyone who can put up with being my partner deserves it. Like you now Jill, a high flyer in Washington. God knows you deserve that. As for me, well I'd like to concentrate on being an SOA. Providing in-the-field training to the newbies perhaps, you know, like a buddy-buddy system. And I wanna' play a more active role as a 'Founder'. Not just in Washington, but globally. I think I've let that slip. How does that sound? Are those all good plans? Will they 'move me on', like you said?

I don't know if I'm gonna' get there, but I'll give it my best shot Jill. And if there's one thing I'm good at, it's shooting! Now, I haven't got you a Christmas present, you know how I feel about all the commercialism! But I'm sending you the best present I can think of; my love, as a friend. And I wanna' thank you for yours to me, for your inspiration, and for setting us both free. That's it I guess, I think I've run out of words now.

Merry Christmas Jill, see you soon.

Love, Chris. X

P.S. You still are Dear Jill to me.

 

 


End file.
